Cas' Memories

Walking out of one nightmare and into another. The others sleep behind her, but judging by their pained expressions and how close they unconsciously press together, their dreams are just as restless as hers were.

Shadows skitter along the ceiling, hundreds of eyes glittering as they occasionally catch the pale white fungal light, and the damp rock beneath gives little respite.

Yet it's almost peaceful in a way. Better than the nightmarish world where her own scream rings forever in her head. When it comes time to wake Vela, she almost doesn't want to sleep again.

No, she definitely doesn't want to sleep again.

At least for a moment it's quiet. At least for a moment she doesn't have to think.

"You and I aren't all that different, you know."

Her eyes fly open, any calm that had begun to sink in shattering. Just his voice is enough to weaken her. To bring her back to that moment when she accepted the end. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Their descent into his domain had torn off any pretense of sanity, revealing a sadistic monster who saw them as nothing more than food to play with. Yet now his voice is as calm and even as the first time they met. "Abandoned by the gods. Left to rot in the depths of the world, alone."

The reminder stings. She doesn't hate Kadoren or Vela, but maybe she's right. It hurts to watch their prayers be answered. From the smallest request for a tiny fraction of power in a desperate moment, to a wish to live again. A wish she begged the silent stars, ungranted.

They can't understand. They might know why she's turned away, but they can never truly understand. No one ever really has.

She shakes it off; he's playing with her mind again. She steels herself and tries to ignore him.

"Let's make a trade, why don't we?" he says after a moment's pause. "You're the one I want anyway. Give up your soul and I'll let your friends go free."

The fact that this tempts her for even a moment makes her recoil. She shoves her front back up where it belongs, but her voice is weak. "And why exactly should I trust you?"

"I always keep my promises," he replies, like his own word is good enough.

And yet, despite everything. When she tries to think of a time he's ever lied, or done anything other than exactly what he said he would...

She can't.

He's never tried to hide what he wants with them. He didn't promise that her soul would be safe, an obvious lie, or that she would survive. Just that her friends would.

Even a merciless soul-eater who lurks in the darkest depths of the world, even a monster, has given her more of a choice than anyone else. The power to stop this, to let her friends go safely without her.

She hears the smirk in his voice, as if he knows exactly what she's thinking. "Well, the offer still stands."

And he leaves her there, wondering.

Cas throws a glance back at her companions. Vela's face is scrunched up as she lays on her side, as if she can sense evil even in her dreams. Kadoren lays at a distance, but his long tail curls protectively around the group. And Slate has shoved himself up into Kadoren's outstretched paw, nightmares clearly wracking him as he tenses up in his sleep.

Looking at him, seeing him again mangled and bloody and dead in the water, she almost does it.

Cas... You won't run away again, right?

No, I... I think I'm done with that.

The call dies on her tongue. This is different. She ran away then for selfish reasons. She ran away not knowing or caring what happened after. This time she's doing it for a reason, to save them.

It doesn't matter whether they'd forgive her or not. She wouldn't be around long enough to know.

So why does she hesitate?

Maybe because it's like throwing it back in their faces. Even if she can't understand why they care about her... Even if she would rather get this all over with now than draw it out before the end takes them all. Even if maybe this is the only way they're all going to make it out of this.

One of them would say something like, Believe in us. We'll get through this. Their phantom voices ring in her head.

She doesn't know if she does. But she says nothing until it's time for Vela to take her place, until she slips back into nightmares.

The first choice she's ever been given. Her first chance to make something right. And yet, as always, she can't decide.