Prompt Shop Bop

"the lonely" - Jino

by Christina Perri

"2 a.m., where do I begin?
Crying off my face again"

Sometimes, Jino struggles to sleep at night. She finds herself laying awake in her nest, unable to sleep. Though she'd never mention it to anyone, determined to keep her image as a tough, aggressive, independent lioness, sometimes she even finds herself crying. It's not something she's proud of, obviously; in fact, she finds it utterly humiliating, a sign of her weakness. However, she cannot help it. At one time, she and Ua shared a den, before Ua's Learner Healer training became more intensive, and on the one hand, Jino is relieved her sister has moved dens. It means she will not see Jino at some of her lowest moments, unable to stop sobbing. However, when they were younger, Ua was always there for Jino, waking up when she was sleeping fitfully or staying awake with her when she couldn't sleep. The times that Jino found herself crying were not ones Ua judged her for, but rather were times that Ua would simply sit beside her, or whisper comforting words if that's what she sensed Jino wanted. To have Ua leave has definitely led to Jino lying awake far more frequently, and the sleep she does get is far more restless. Though Jino would never admit it, she has at times considered asking Ua to sleep in her den again, not permanently, but every now and then.

"The silent sounds of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed"

The reason Jino's sleep is so relentless and fleeting is, ironically, due to her loneliness. It's not just the fact that she no longer has Ua keeping her company in the den, though that definitely is part of it. It is also the fact that Jino is completely isolated from the rest of the pride. She systematically cut off any ties she might have held with any of them since she was a cub; the only one of her pridemates that she still has any real relationship with is Ua. Her adoptive parents - though Jino wouldn't even refer to them as that - have long since given up on her (and Ua, who has never really seen them as parental figures either). Jiwe has made a few attempts, but when Jino refused him, he didn't push it. Her Teacher, Haraka, is almost as bad in terms of distancing herself from everyone - though she's a little less hostile about it then Jino - but it certainly makes one question why Nasaba would pair them together; it seems to have made Jino worse, not better. And this isolation, despite it being self-imposed, haunts her especially when she sleeps, because it is when the loneliness becomes all the more present. The fact that she was abandoned by her parents, left alone with only Ua by her side, destroyed her. She has been consumed in trying to figure out why, why someone would sentence their cubs to that, and after being abandoned by the two of the people who should have been by her side no matter what (or at least one, because what sort of mother refuses her cub?), she cannot open herself up to anyone else out of fear that they too will leave her forgotten and alone. Better to choose that fate then open yourself up and be rejected instead.

"I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most"

It's tragic, really, to see the path Jino has taken. Though she would never admit it, deep down even she is not pleased with the choices she has made. When she was little, she had dreams of who she was one day going to be. Now, she's a shadow of that figure, destroyed by the truth of her parentage. A select few have managed to bring that side of her to the surface. Out of the pride, it is only Ua who can bring any semblance of it to the service. However, it is Phetho who truly brings out the lioness she has - or at least had - the potential to be. When she is with him, it's as if Jino's past fades away; she is just a lioness with her love, sneaking around to avoid having her pride see her as a rulebreaker. However, she and Phetho are not always able to be together, and even if they were, there's no guarantee that that would be enough to bring it to light permanently. They are from separate prides, and the Isle of Roses would not approve of her secret relationship; even if Nasaba forgave her for it should it come to light and allowed it to continue, would the pride forgive it? Maybe if she weren't so isolated, but with her insistence on pushing everyone else away, she isn't sure. Besides, Phetho has his own pride, and Jino doesn't even know how they would react to him having a relationship with an outsider. His presence has at least helped some at night, a benefit to his ability to step into her dreams, but that relies on her falling asleep. All in all, though both Ua and Phetho have some effect on bringing it out of her, Jino has broken the girl that she wants to be, unable to give up the obsession she carries for finding out the identity of her parents.

"I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well"

Jino not only has failed to become the lioness that she wants to be, but has also failed to be the lioness that she once was. She is hollow, an empty shell of the person she used to be. When she was little, Jino was definitely a tougher, more aggressive cub. She wasn't super interested in the affection of her adoptive parents, but despite being a bit more distant, she was still a general cub. After finding out the truth of her parentage, that she was abandoned as a baby, she was broken. What if she hadn't been found? Would she and Ua have died? Jino was no longer just a spitfire; she was flat out destructive. She pushed everyone away that didn't understand, and in her mind, no one could understand beyond Ua, who was abandoned alongside her. The cub she once was was gone, all because she was abandoned, and could not get over that truth once she learned about that as a cub.