Say something nice about the above person's lit!

IronyMobile
Claim! Give me a bit I want to make sure I can read proper and give you my thoughts :Dc

Alright so I read the first chapter of Days Crossing (and a little bit of the second)

Okay so first off, I want to talk about your style of writing overall because phewww, it is awesome! I've noticed it in other forum games before, and getting to see it in action in  your own short story is really nice. It's got this very nice, and tidy feel to it. An emotion that I feel really well compliments the characters, which in this case we begin will Lilium. To work off from that, your introduction really gives me a good feel for the setting as well as what's going on. While you don't explicitly state what is going on to the audience, you give us enough clues to figure it out. You trust your readers to understand what you mean, and I admire that. Also I just adore the baking vibes of this chapter, like it evokes the memories (at least to me) of doing the same myself.

The way you describe the character's interacting with each other feels very natural, and Angitia and Lilium play off each other well. I really like that even though I know quite a bit about these character's myself, there are little tells that give me peeks into what they're like, and especially what their relationship is. 

Overall, I thought it was fantastic, and I've enjoyed what I've read of the second one, and still need to finish it! I'm excited to see what else you're able to come up with, whether that's with literatures or in forum games! ^^

I have a few short stories and Journal collections in my Library tab. You're welcome to dig through my poetry if you'd like to... but I feel that most of them are old.

AHH THANK YOU SO MUCH THAT's SO KIND! I need to get back up on the horse and finish the journal collection tbh, but I'm glad you liked it ahaha. It means a lot to know you liked it!

claim! HardyLark 

also, the fact that you have poetry intrigues me!   

I'm a pretty quick reader so I decided to read Frigid Vitriol Within and also, A Well-Worn Journal!

Starting with Frigid Vitriol Within. I really like poetry so I was excited to read. I admit I had to look up what a Landay was. The Landay format gave the poem a really interesting flow. I really like the imagery you used. I live somewhere that can get super cold (in fact it's been a few days of sub-zero temperatures for me irl) and I completely felt the cold. I like the kind of push and pull dynamic of hope and self-loathing that the stanzas have. Also, "brings some phantom glow back, back to deeply frostbitten wishes to innermost aspirations to do something good" is such a good line. Honestly, "deeply frostbitten wishes" caught my eye immediately as I was reading. It's such a neat piece of symbolism. After a quick skim of the character's page, I really like how you used the cold both literally and metaphorically. A really solid work!

Onto A Well-Worn Journal. I have to start by saying I love when a work that's supposed to be a journal/first person recounting has a preface that sets the scene for what exactly it is you're reading. Also, "It would certainly a violation of privacy to open it and peer at it's contents, but that has never stopped the bold and curious like yourself." made me chuckle a little. The word choice and narration sounds really believable. As someone who had many journals as a kid the "I am a bad journaler? journalist?" beginning immediately felt genuine as I'll admit I started several journal entries (especially the first ones) in a similar fashion. I was kind of on edge the whole time I was reading, waiting for something bad to happen and when I reached the third chapter, my immediate reaction to the explanation of the state of the pages was "oh no". I felt so bad for her. Poor kiddo.

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next person: my oneshot/drabble collection!   

v  thank you so much! i'm so glad that one resonated with you! it was the first piece of writing about my ocs i posted so i was super nervous!

Claim! lordsatin

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I read This Is Not Your Destruction and right off the bat, I have to say I love your use of imagery and sensations. You have a very detailed, yet simple style of writing that fills in enough holes for the reader to keep the text engaging, but also to allow the reader to take what imagery you've provided and run off with their own imaginations. It's a writing style I really adore, and have yet to really replicate myself, admittedly. I loved how you personified the chalice, describing it as if it were alive and like it was a weapon. Which, it is, just a rather unconventional one. In addition to this, I love Norian's character, she seems like a very resolute and determined character, who aims to do what is expected and needed of her, and to see it through until it's completed. That's always been one of my favorite character aspects, it's a trait I really admire in people so I love seeing it in characters. I loved the symbolism that's present, with death and rebirth, and how drinking the holy water could be seen as a metaphor for Baptism or Holy Communion. I adore it. Excellent stuff, keep on writing!

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Next poster, please read Snowball Fight!

Commodore Aww so fun, I really liked it! The style is really endearing, the whole thing felt so much like a snippet from a classic adventure style novel I would've read in school :]
The characters really really shine, it worked really well as an introduction to the four of them, what they think of each other, it all comes across super effectively. The whole thing is so full of life and I'm kind of attached to them already <3 Would read more like this, hope they get out of the snow lol

... also I am not immune to lines like "“Uh,” he said, rather intelligently." lmaoo

Posting in 2 different lit threads at once like a masochist but it's ok I have faith I love you literature threads

Find something you like! Feel free to scroll all the way down I still like the "older" stuff :] Totally down for critique!! or you can go revive the critique thread :)c

vv THANK YOU SO MUCH WHAT AN AMAZING REVIEW 😭😭😭 I'm speechless and so so glad everything comes across. And thank you for always keeping your writing threads alive as well, they really are some of my favourites 🥲 Replies like this make it so worth to keep reviving lol

zeta-male 

I picked Pyre for this, but I looked at all your lits, and I just want to say that I like your style. There's this very languid feeling to the way you write, descriptive but led by dialogue and character in a way that feels compelling. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling (not cozy, of course, but immersive? atmospheric?), but anyway, I enjoyed looking through your writing, and I love when someone has a lot of writing to look though. Thanks for reviving a couple of these threads, by the way. We need more action in the writing threads. :p

Anyway, I really liked Pyre. I often find fight scenes difficult to follow, but not in this story; it's never unclear what's happening. I like how the action feels properly chaotic, fast, and violent; the writing feels like a struggle. The fight is paced in such a way that you have these contrasts and breaks between fast, aggressive actions (slammed, rammed) and the tension of near-misses and slow drags, and the fight is full of anticipation as a result: who will win? who will live?

This line is my favorite: “I always believed you'd go through with this, you know?” Her feeble smile faded quick. “Still wish you didn't.” You can feel how this isn't just any fight between a captain and some random mutineer. Magni isn't surprised by her first mate's betrayal, but you feel the regret. It hurts to be right about someone you cared for. Then there's Yohai's almost-regret: For a moment, in the dark, they pulsed with something desperate and disconsolate. What makes the story compelling isn't the action of the fight itself, but the complicated emotions from both of them that make it up. Despite Yohai's moment of hesitation, they later [burn] with conviction while Magni's eyes [darken] with condolence. They both know this is what must happen, no matter any regret that it must.

the conviction bleeding into something else. Horror. Anger, maybe. Anguish. Sorry, Yohai.

Then there's the heart-rending contrast between the rest: Magni's slow grief as she holds the dying Yohai, and the determination and vengeance of her later demonstration in front of her crew of what happens to traitors. She is, after all, a consummate captain, and everyone needs to know that no mutiny will ever be tolerated, and never succeed. There will be no mutiny.

Overall, I liked the story a lot. Very compelling-- nice job.

Next person: you can pick any of mine, but if you'd like some suggestions:

• Fun/friendship: Mummy Dearest, Showdown at Sunset, Bark and Bite, Melanie, Fries and Dogs
• Romantic: Indecent Proposal, Bed Bugs, Summer Rain, Octopus
• Longing/sad/more serious but some of my best: Lights Out, Panthers, Noise, Open House, Sal

First of all, I always appreciate it when authors incorporate songs and music into their works lol. I very much looked 'I Would Hurt A Fly' up and listened to it while reading. Right away this really helps me set the mood and scene. So kudos on that. I very much think that this song helped add to the atmosphere of the story and really fit it very well thematically. I feel like that sort of thing is a little detail that goes a long way to speak about the character that chose the song (in this case the character would be Ira).

The next thing that stands out to me is just the way that you describe emotions. "Theo could hear: the cacophonous, overpowering buzz of far too much, far  too fast, an inexorable tidal wave of inner static that on a day like  this left even sturdy, defiant Ira utterly overwhelmed and asea." This line popped out at me right away, 'overpowering buzz of far too much far too fast' is such an emotionally evocative line, one that I feel like so many people can relate to. It's powerful and to the point.

Your use of similes and metaphors is fantastic too; "like a detonation charge." Just that whole line touched me. It just resonates so deeply with me because that's how people know when I'm not doing so well too. When the music stops playing. Music is so critical to my life that when even it can't pick me up... it's bad. So yeah this line right here, for me is an extremely powerful line and the way that you word it just does a very good job of encompassing what that feels like. This is critical to a story; one of the most important aspects of a story for me is an author's ability to make me feel something and this did the trick. So another huge kudos on that.

I really loved that you ended with "I'm not turning off the music." Whether you intended this meaning or not; it felt as though it was being said Ira wasn't going to be giving up. He might not be doing well but he won't be going down without a fight. When coupled with Theo noting that silence is worse than sad indie rock, it really packs a punch.

I very much think that imagery and describing emotions is a strong suit of yours.

Thanks so much! "I noticed that you have a knack for writing really  punch first paragraphs, and it's effective in getting me real interested  in reading what's about to unfold." This in particular was super awesome to read! <3

SapphireBatWings

Moments in between; you've managed to capture the quaint and charming southern charm in the dialogue, and it's very sweet to read; I'm enamoured by the way Josie speaks and acts, and i've learnt quite a lot about her just from this little snippet. I also enjoy how casually Hype regards the tornado (twister?), and the contrast between the character's reactions! The first two paragraphs are also very lovely; descriptive and have some good imagery. 

Living Luminescence; I noticed that you have a knack for writing really punch first paragraphs, and it's effective in getting me real interested in reading what's about to unfold. "Life is a kaleidoscope of creativity, texture, and sound" from the synopsis is wonderful as well. It's so lovely to read, and it a sentence you just REMEMBER. The main thing I got from reading this was how well you do a setting- I completely understand where this story is set, and can imagine the people walking by, the kind of music playing- my favourite line showing this would be " Of black-light tattoos and flashing piercings. Moussed and shaping sprayed spiked hair creates a cloud of chemicals around them, only to be later overpowered by cigarette smoke and alcohol." I find myself wanting to know more about what's happened after the last line :)

The Cemetery Sings: There it is again! Your amazing first sentences. I've just said it, but i have to mention your excellent setting again; i love it so much! The tone is really set for Cheydonna to be this mysterious, ethereal figure (though I must say i did laugh a little when the silence suddenly broke for her to yell at the bird) I agree with Lara, dessert before dinner all the way.

I think your writing would be lovely in long form! I could see myself getting very invested with how you develop your speech and setting (especially how beautifully you introduce your characters!:) Cheers, and good luck for your future writing!

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for the next person, look over my thrown together collection of poetry and prose! it's not much, just a few short things TT 

if you're alright with OC stuff set in video game universes. this is a longer one (4k words?) with a fuller storyline, though its set in valorant TT and please tag me!

yawningama

reviving this thread! yay!

i decided to read 2 of your short poems/prose!

galatea: really interesting. i adore the spider symbolism. as soon as i read "her arachnid fingers" i knew something was up _{(my spidey sense was tingling)} i love the imagery in general. there are so many raw lines in this. i'd like to bring attention to "covered in the scriptures of a mad genius who knew too much of her to ever love her as you do". it really speaks to the naivety the "you" character. i like that it's kind of ambiguous about malicious she is actually. it's quite interestingly the opposite of the classic galatea myth. in the myth galatea is sculpted from marble and given life but here it really seems more like galatea is the one molding people to fit her needs. also, "would you continue to exist in the winding river of her spine, or curl into her stomach to hold on" is such an incredible line and really speaks to the all consuming kind of unhealthy love. just really interesting.

take me to the angels: i'll admit, this one was a ride. the title take me to the angels sounds almost loving and comforting so i was expecting something soft. quite like the speaker and everyone else taken in by this god. "There is no god. When you open your church doors, you let someone else in." is such an honestly terrifying line _{(kinda reminds me of the mandela catalogue, which i adore, a little, at least thematically)}. the way the prose reveals the speaker's fate is 10/10. we're immediately told that there is no way to save them but then we pull back just enough to see the speaker get pulled in. they call it a "gift" then we get to see the real horror. "Who unites me with my ancestors in this great joy of burning alive." holy shit. that's another terrifying line. it's all incredibly eerie and i love it.

i really liked what i read! 

also i feel like you'd also write really good song lyrics. 

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next person: my oneshot/drabble collection!   

vvv  fhdsgflgakg

i'm so flattered that you like my writing and my girls!! nori and ami are both some of my oldest ocs and they've been through a bunch of changes before i got a story for them that i'm happy with. 

i love writing character interactions so writing "a conflict of ideals" was incredibly fun for me!

i'm just so happy that you enjoyed my stuff! happy reading <3

lordsatin

i read two of your oneshots and they're really great! your writing and characters are so engaging and wonderfully written! heres some of my thoughts as i read your work :]

this is not your destruction makes for a really interesting look into norian's character. immediately as the story starts, you set up the problem and how it must be solved: in order for norian to go unnoticed as a demon, she has to be able to drink holy water. norian's struggle and the way she eventually jumps right into drinking the entire chalice was such a great way of establishing her personality: you describe her as reckless in her profile and this definitely shows up in her actions within the story. norian is such a fun take on a demon character! i really love her. 

that being said, i wanted to read more from the story she's in, so i read conflict of ideals next. i love the way that norian and ami interact: ami trying to break through to nori while nori vehemently tries not to allow it. i just -- aaaugh!!! i love character interactions like that!!! it's so painful and yet so much fun to read. i absolutely love the line "if there's good in everyone then there's good in me." it's such a heavy thing to say, and after reading about ami's backstory, it hurts even more. 

your writing is just so great, i really love it. it's a style that makes me want to keep reading more and more, and honestly? as soon as i post this, im gonna read more of your literature! i love it!

for np: i only have a few lits for my main oc project since im still in the process of cleaning some stuff up and posting it here, and i wont lie ... they're all around 2k-3k words or so long. i yap a lot when it comes to my ocs.

• hellebore
• homebound (warning for depictions of frostbite and child neglect)
• the farmhouse (warning for mentions of hypothermia, description of dead bodies)

duckjeans  I am feeling feelings about Hellebore

Oh god there are emotions happening and idk if I hate or love them jfc. 

ok let’s get the most important bit out of the way, Gara is the highlight. I cannot express this enough each word he speaks or thinks just ooze with a hidden sliminess I adore in ocs like him. Nothing feels right with what he’s saying 

God I especially love how he hardly ever gets a discription for the way he talks. It could just be me being blind half the time but H O L Y SHIT do I just feel his disconnect with how opposite he is from Mirriak

Ok ok ok but I think probably my favorite thing is that it feels like a prologue for Ari’s part of the story. A good few layers were peeled back and the beginning of Ari’s back story has pretty much just started. NO ONE is safe now and HOOOOOOOOO L Y SHIT THIS MAKES ME GIDDY CAUSE IVE READ YOUR OTHER STUFF AND IM JUST POINTING AT THIS LIKE “I KNOW WHY AND WHERE THIS FITS” AND AUGH ALL OF THIS IS LITERATURE PERFECTION!

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Ok I got two works I’m ok with people reading right now 

Bad Idea is a story about my main man Veritas trying to bond with his daughter. Just under 5 K words so….read at own risk. It’s also the oldest in my library so even riskier 

Teef is a dumbass thing I wrote for my CHONKER Grug meeting a friend’s OC. It’s a lot shorter at 1.6K  , but it’s got gore and me being a bit rambly with inner monologues 

ProfessionalDumbass

I read Bad Idea

It is a little rocky. I feel like it could use a little editing to make it easier to read. But man, the way you got across emotion is really good.

It made me curious what he did that made her hate him. Why exactly is she so caught up on the "Not my dad" bit? Is it typical teen angst or did he do something?

Then there's his constant self doubt. It made me want this to go well for him. I wondered if he had these doubts all his life, or if they're new. He was trying to get her to like him, but then he even got awkward with the waitress. So that told me the self doubt and worries are just part of his character, and not something he only feels about the relationship with his child.

The dialogue was really well done. It showed their dynamic together while also showing us their individual personalities.

Probably my only complaints are: a few your vs you're moments. "Your listing." A bit more punctuation. Some sentences should be broken up into two.

And my favorite thing is the fact she didn't put his jacket over him when she woke up. She folded it. That means she recognized it was cold and he thought of her by putting it on her while she slept, but their relationship was not at the point she would return the favor. But, despite that, she folded it. Which means there's hope for them. She didn't jsut fling it off or toss it outside when she realized. She folded it.

I only have one of my works currently ready to be seen by people. This is a collection of drabbles I've written for one of my characters. Any feedback is welcome! Only trigger/content warning I can think of would be family issues. 6.5k words, the last entry is 2.5k words so if you don't want to commit to reading all of it, please read that.

Serotina

Very cohesive collection! My favourites were Patron Meeting and Moving On. I really really like the Nentir - the relationship was really unexpected, it's sweet, clearly something Astreya needed, and comes across really well - I'm more scared of her parents than I am of it. Small note in this one, 'eleven' instead of 'elven.' I almost wish we left the blood relationship with it a bit vaguer, but I did accidentally skip the explanation paragraph the first time and was like ooo mysterious when it said 'its grandchild' LOL.

Moving On really worked for me because I was just really endeared to Cygnus, he was really well-characterized - practically everything you need to know about him and his faults in relation to his daughter comes through very creatively in Broken Toys. One I do feel like the patronage transfer could've used a bit more dramatic weight

The beginning of The First Ship is super effective - the chaotic energy on the dock while she's looking for Cygnus really comes through, it's well-paced, and the Nentir seeming almost overprotective of her is hilarious. The rest of it presents a really fun tone change and for sure feels like the intro a much bigger story. :]

_{Do you think if I keep posting in this thread i'm gonna run out of people willing to read my writing LOL}
Here's my library, please feel free to scroll as far down as you want and find something you like, a lot of the older ones are still my favs and have a bit more meat :] Concrit very welcome

v Noooo thank you so much 😭😭💕💕 💕 on such an unexpected one too LOL. my heart is full i MUST also check out the rest of your library like I said I would <3

zeta-male

I read "Executor of the Will" and I gotta say -- your writing is fantastic!

i had seen maggot once or twice in the forum games if i remember correctly, but i hadn't read much of your work before -- and gosh, i wish i'd done so sooner! you write first person POV incredibly well, and you present your characters in such a realistic yet engaging manner. maggot's dialogue and reflection feels so alive (which is ironic to say considering the content of this work), as if I'm actually being spoken to. you capture voice and tone so vividly, and even before i read maggot's profile, i got a perfect understanding of her character and backstory and how that motivates her. There's certain parts that capture her personality in just a few words alone -- "isn't that funny -- executor."; the first line of the lit repeating throughout her thoughts; I could go on and on! the last few lines have such a hit to them that i sat there for a moment just repeating them in my head because i loved them so much. 

again, your writing is wonderful. i really admire your writing style. like i said, this example specifically has so many lines that made me sit back and take it in for a moment, just because the way you phrase thoughts and responses is so well-crafted. after i post this, i'm going to read the rest of your work :] !!

np: my main writing project only has a handful of literature here but i hope you like what i have so far! individual content warnings are on every literature.

• homebound 
• hellebore 
• the farmhouse
• altair, deneb, vega

duckjeans I decided to read Farmhouse. First of all I would like to commend you on an fantastic and attention capturing opening sentence. I appreciate a piece that can lay down the plot so effectively and quickly. Already, with just the first sentence, a reader gets a sense of what's going on in the story. The second thing that really jumped out at me is the captivating way in which you describe the setting; it is very sensory and immersive. For me that is super important. "The coroner dubbed it hypothermia; with the way that frostbite kissed their pallid skin, purple fingers curled in like a paw" This is some incredible stuff. It's haunting an strangely beautiful all at once. I loved the 'like a paw' bit. 

Just your word choice, language, and prose overall throughout the story was lovely to read. There was a sort of poetry in it, if I do say so. "it finally stopped snowing. Though the cold never left," Is a line that just struck me. I don't know if this was intentional, but I feel like that could be a call to the nature of grief and mourning. Though the initial event has come and gone, there is still a lingering bitterness. I appreciate it so much when the setting and a character's surroundings can possibly call back to that character's emotions and situations. I think that you do this very effectively.

I also think that you did a great job describing Kell's physical appearance. That helped create an image in my mind. I feel like you tend to prefer writing descriptions of the world rather than dialogue as the story was not dialogue heavy. This is how I tend to write, myself and it's kind of the type of writing I tend to enjoy reading more. Idk, I just like stories where the world around the characters seem to speak for them and tell the story just as much as the characters themselves. 

But the dialogue and actions that you do write are very effective; "They ran to his side and hugged his good leg, and Ebeneer met them with a  grin and a pinch of their cheek. “Mr. Mallinek was showing me his  plane! I’m gonna be a pilot when I grow up!” That in particular communicates a lot to a reader about what kind of personalities that these characters have. To me this conveys that Kell is enthusiastic and excitable. Whiole Ebeneer is an affectionate, doting type of uncle. It's really sweet.

I also really like how this one ended on "let's go home." To me something like, "let's go home" is a short and sweet way of wrapping things up.

NP: My fics are here and my original stuff is here and here. Comments on original stuff are highly appreciated! 

Ok ok ok O K so I read Whispers from 12 PM AND HOLY SHIT THIS IS AS GOOD AS ICE CREAM WITH CARMEL! 

Ok besides my weird correlation between writing and sweets. This is just master levels of painting a picture in someone's head without spending entire paragraphs on one person's appearance. There is JUST enough here to make me really want to know more about each hour and what they're like. BUT EVEN THEN I CAN JUST FEEL their appearance bleeding into their mannerisms in my head, but again it just makes me want to know MORE! 

God ok just to stop my word vomit tactic I'm going to say this, you do what VERY few authors can do, and inspire curiosity, an amazing mental image, and world building, all in a very efficient package. I would LOVE to see more 

NP! Hi read Hammer worst we got in here is cursing. It's new and- yeah